Monday, September 10, 2012

This is what I know...

Since this blog is all about me getting real, I decided that it was time to show you all what REAL is all about.  I saw a post similar to this several months ago, and it stuck with me.  I wasn't getting "real" about my eating habits and working out at the time, so even though it hit home, I pushed it to the side.  The past few weeks though I have been working really hard, and I found myself back at that same post, and I decided it was time I tweak it a little to suit me, and get real; with myself, and with those of you reading this.

The truth is, I have let myself go.  A little over a year and a half ago, I lost nearly 35 pounds.  And since then, I have gained them back, along with several of their nasty little friends.  And I am pretty pissed off at myself for it.  I'm unhappy with my outer beauty, and because of that, it's putting a damper on all of the good beautiful things I have on the inside. 

The biggest part of this truth, is having to ask myself how and why I let myself go.  At what point did I just stop caring about what I put in my body?  When (and why) did I decide everything else in my life was more important than working out?  Why did I allow myself to size up in all of my clothes, instead of facing the problem head on?  It's like I just accepted that I was going to be fat.  And that is pathetic!  I motivate everyone else around me in all of their endeavors, why can't I motivate myself? 

Well, that's all changing as we speak.  I'm sick of dreading going to any type of social function because I can't stand the thought of wearing fat clothes in public.  I'm sick of hating shopping because it's just too damn depressing.  I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself when I am the only one responsible for this mess of a body I now have.  I've changed my eating habits, changed my work out habits, and I'm changing how I look at myself.  I've had my pity party, now it's time to do what has to be done so the next party I throw for myself is me going shopping and sizing DOWN instead of up. 

I have completely strayed from the original part of this post that I had in mind, big surprise, so here it is:

This is what I know...
I know how it feels to cry uncontrollably because you are that unhappy with your body.

I know how it feels to scour the back of the clothes rack, only to realize the biggest size they carry in store doesn't fit you.

I know what it's like to feel defeated in the dressing room.

I know how it feels to grab the XL thinking it will be too big and come to find out, it's actually too small.

I know how it feels to sit down and pull at your shirt to try and hide your rolls.

I know what it's like to pour yourself into your jeans.

I know how it feels when the buttons from those jeans cut into your skin and leave painful marks.

I know what it's like to stand in your closet full of clothes that are all too small wondering what you're going to wear that day.

I know all about not owning or refusing to step on the scale to “avoid the truth”.

I know what it's like to change over and over every day before you finally find something that doesn't make you look THAT fat.

I know what it's like to hide fast food wrappers from your significant other.

I know how it feels to see cute fashion trends, only to realize they don't make them in your size.

I know how it is to think "oh SOMEDAY I'll get back into my skinny jeans".

I know how it feels to be so out of breath from just doing the simplest of tasks.

I know all about avoiding outings with family and friends because you are ashamed of how you look and don’t want to be "the fat girl" amongst the skinny folks.
I know all about lying to those family and friends about not being able to go out with them because you’d rather stay home in pajamas and feel sorry for yourself rather than put on an outfit that you feel hideous in.

I know all about "Starting my diet on Monday".
I know how shameful it feels when that diet fails.

I know the only thing that seems to cure that shame (at that moment) is more junk food.

I know all about that vicious cycle.

I know how it is to feel like a prisoner in your own body.

BUT, I also know how great it feels after you've been eating healthy for a few weeks.

And how amazing it is to see the pounds melt off.

And how it feels when you go to put on a pair of pants that were tight last month and now they're too big!

And how strong you feel when you run your first mile.

And how much better you sleep after you rid your body of all the junk you've been feeding it.

And how much more energy you have.

And how it feels to buy a smaller size.

And how it feels to hear people say that you look great.

And how you never knew you could be so proud of yourself for something.

And how it feels to do it the RIGHT way, with hard work and dedication.

And how all of a sudden you crave foods that are good for you.

And how it feels to look at a picture you didn't know was being taken and actually think you look cute and NOT fat.

And how great it feels when your significant other tells you how sexy you are, and you actually believe him instead of assuming he’s just lying to make you feel better.

And that amazing sense of accomplishment you will feel when you step on the scale and you've reached your goal.

I know.

So don't tell me it's hard.

I know.

Don't tell me it's not possible.


Don't tell me "I'll start Monday."

Start today.

Don't tell me you can't do it.

I know I can, and so can you.

Thanks Mama Laughlin for the inspiration!

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