Friday, November 16, 2012

Don't happy!

So yall know how I said that Kutter has always been a "Mama's Boy"?  Well, lately, things seem to have gotten worse.  He has been getting very emotional about things and it is tearing me up inside!  Here are some examples of situations in which he has gotten extremely upset just in the past few weeks...

At Homecoming, the night he was so looking forward to, he had a meltdown 30 minutes prior to walking out onto the field.  All of the dukes and duchesses were to sit in a certain spot and then walk to their starting point on the football field.  I was trying to get Kason to his dad or any relative so I could get back to the field and take a bazillion pictures of the cuties.  As soon as Kutter saw that I was going to walk away for a few minutes (he was surrounded by adults he knew and his peers/friends), he jumped out of the stands, latched onto me, and was in tears.  I was afraid I was going to have to be the oversized Kindergarten Duchess if he didn't let go of me before he had to walk on the field.  I finally assured him that I would be waiting for him as he walked off, got him calmed down, and everything was fine after that.  Same thing happened the next day at the parade.  He would not ride the float without me.  Luckily I was the one in charge of the float to begin with so it made sense for me to ride...but damn it was 40 degrees and I would have much rather been somewhere warmer watching the parade!

A week later we were at their friend's birthday party at Power Sports.  They played the entire time and barely knew I was there except when I tried to make them freeze in the middle of a flip so I could take a picture.  Once they went into the big room to eat pizza and cake, Christopher and I slipped upstairs to do the dirty  to watch the beginning of the Aggie game.  When they were done with eating they went back out to play and we could see through the upstairs spy windows that they were happily playing.  I assumed everything was fine.  On the way home though, I learned that when Kutter saw that I was no longer in the big room, he got really upset.  I felt like the worst mom in the entire world!  I knew I should have gone and checked on them (but I didn't because it was seriously no more than 15 minutes) and it made me so sad that he got upset and I wasn't there.

At school lately, he has been wanting to stay with me in the mornings instead of going to breakfast and stay with me in the afternoons instead of going to ACE or to Nanny's on the bus.  He says it's because he misses me.  How do I say no to that??  We constantly talk about how lucky we are that I work at the same school that they attend and we get to see each other all of the time, but it doesn't seem to be enough.

Today our school was serving "Thanksgiving Lunch" in the cafeteria and I was able to steal my boys away from their class a few minutes early so we could eat together.  I thought it was a good idea!  My lunch and their lunch have a 15 minute difference, so I had planned to just bring them back to class with me until their class was finished.  Kason was afraid if they came with me they might miss their class going to play outside (whether they actually do that I do not know).  He decided he was going to stay in the cafeteria and wait.  Kutter began to cry.  What now??  He was upset because he said he already told me that he would come to my class.  And he was afraid if he chose to stay in the cafeteria that I would be sad.  Did you hear my heart shatter into a thousand pieces?  He is only 6 years old, he shouldn't be worried about me!  There was also an incident this morning when we got to school, I won't get into it, but both of my boys ended up in tears, I was not a happy Mama, so that didn't help that we were overly sensitive from the a.m.!

Tomorrow we have a super busy day.  We have Thanksgiving at my Dad's at lunchtime, dropping the boys off at the movies at 4:15 for a birthday party, and then Christopher and I are heading to our 5K at 5 p.m.  Well that second part may or may not happen because as soon as Kutter learned that I would not be staying at the movies with them, he broke down.  I. Am. Torn.  Do I know that he will be just fine?  Yes.  Do I know that even if was able to stay that he would not even notice my presence because he'll be having so much fun with his brother and friends?  Absolutely.  But yet here I am feeling like a terrible mama because I  won't be there for him.

I just don't know what to do to make him feel better in any of these situations.  I don't know what I ever did to make him so afraid of me leaving.  I worry that I somehow scarred him because of the divorce.  I also know that when I was little, I was the same exact way.  My parents divorced when I was very young.  I remember every other Friday when it was time for me to go to my Dad's I would be nervous and upset the days leading up to Friday.  I would cry all day Friday and beg not to go.  Not because I didn't want to see my Daddy, I loved him dearly and have always been a huge Daddy's girl.  But, I worried about my Mom.  I was scared she would be sad without me.  I assumed her entire world revolved around me and that if I was gone, she wouldn't be able to function.  But everytime I went to my Dad's, *shocker* my Mama survived the weekend without me!  Then Sunday rolled around and it would be time to go home.  And every other Sunday on the ride home, right around the point when we crossed the Brazos River, I would get upset.  I had spent all weekend with my loving Daddy and seen how happy he was (clearly because of me) and I began to worry about how sad he must be to have to drop me off and go days and days without me.  I was just a little girl, I shouldn't have been worried about such things.  And it was at no fault of my parents that I felt that way.  They never did anything to make me feel sad or like I was hurting either one of them.  It's just the way I was.  And you know what?  I didn't stop feeling that way until after I graduated from HS and no longer did the "every other weekend" thing between my parents.  I'm messed up, I know.

I wonder if chronic worrying is a real thing...and if it genetic?  Because the more I think about Kutter and the more I see how worried and upset he gets about things, the more afraid I am that I have passed this horrible thing on to my child!  Luckily he doesn't do the same thing when he has to go to his Dad's (at least not that I am aware of).  He does occassionally ask about my weekend plans while they are going to be gone, and he likes to know that Christopher is taking care of me in his absence :) but he never seems to get upset the way I used to.  I guess that's a plus, I don't really know.  I wish I had the answers.  If you have them, you damn well better let me know ASAP!  The kid has had me on a roller coaster ride today already so please hope and pray that tomorrow goes smoothly!  I need my heart in good condition for the 5K!!

Happy Flippin' Friday!

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